“Ever since I had my children, I haven’t achieved anything” she said, as she covered her face with her hands and sobbed uncontrollably. “I am a lawyer, you know, and I was bound to do great things in my life. But for the last 9 years, I have achieved nothing. I am nobody.”

The thinking pattern I recognise in this story is what I call the Illusion of the Doing as the Source of Love. I hear some version of this story at least once a week. It is quite common for professional mothers who decide to prioritise their families to end up in depression. From the outside, they have everything. They work part time. They have beautiful, healthy children. Their husbands are loving and supportive. They go on lovely family holidays. Yet, they suffer deeply, unfulfilled with their lives.

As a child, this woman did not receive the love and connection she craved. She was not her mother’s favourite; her father was away working most days. She was not praised for her charming personality. But she was smart. She discovered this in primary school and realised she could be important by applying her intelligence, so she got better and better at it. Eventually, she heard her proud parents talking about her achievements to their friends. The list of her successes became the measure of her personal value.

When her children came, she wanted to give them all the love she never had as a child. She gave up her plan to become a partner at her law firm. She nursed them when they were babies. She drove them around to countless after-school activities. She sat every afternoon to help them with their homework. She took them to the park.

At first, her life-work balance looked great, but soon the grim moods started to creep in. There are no diplomas, no medals in parenting. No firework displays. When people asked her what she did, she barely managed to articulate a description of her part time job. She started to disconnect herself from her old peers and friends, ashamed of not having become the professional star she could have been. Angry and sad, she was not the best company for her children and her husband either. She often screamed at them at the end of the day, after washing the dishes and hanging that last load of laundry on the line. For that, she felt guilty too. “I feel like I have failed at everything. I am nobody at work, I am this horrible grumpy mother who snaps at her children for not picking up their clothes. I never thought I would end up like this”.

Where could I guide her from here?

Back to her childhood. To understanding that what she craved the most but had no access to, was a loving connection to those around her. That as a child, the admiration that came with achievements had become the substitute for love. Yet no achievement could fill her up with love, as she could recognise looking back. That love was there now, at her fingertips, and yet the Illusion of Doing was making her believe her relationships were getting in her way. That ironically, the love in those relationships was what she wanted in the first place.

My prescription? Stop. Just Be for a while. Feel. Be grateful for the real Love.

#doing #fulfilment #happiness #parenting #career #lifesatisfaction